Volume 6, Issue 2 University of Houston
Hawaii is a sad little state
Ashton Kutcher could not be found snickering behind the scenes. He wasn't born yet. MTV couldn't run promo after promo after promo about it, because the cable channel had not been born yet. A rising starlet wasn't hiding from tabloid photographers and television cameras. But it was an episode of Punk'd nonetheless. Albeit in 1959.
This very special episode starred President Eisenhower who helped greenlight the admission of Hawaii into the Union.
Let me introduce you to the Aloha State, America's charity case since 1959. We should have taken Puerto Rico instead. Look at what those beautiful boriquans have given us: Entertainer J.Lo and the great humanitarian/baseball player Roberto Clemente and J.Lo and Latin-jazz master Tito Puente. And did I fail to mention J.Lo?
What has Hawaii given us? A bunch of vowels, that tired "getting leied" joke and Real World Hawaii. Thanks for nothing.
As the state is only an island, you'd think its university would be proud of its uniqueness. It has lush green scenery, breathtaking beaches and a fabulous nickname — The Rainbow Warriors. But for reasons unknown, the football team dropped "Rainbow" from its nickname in 2000, a moniker it had proudly paraded since 1923.
Hawaii is now known simply as the Warriors in an obvious homage to the cult gang movie of the late 1970s. With the name change came a uniform change, and out went the festive, streaking rainbow design of the past. In with the Gods Must Be Crazy uniforms. Dark green shirts over white pants? Sweet!
Many speculate it was a fear of the emasculating association of the rainbow, a popular symbol of homosexuals. My sources indicate no one cares.
Hawaii loves to trumpet its success on the football field. I'm here to hit the mute button. The other UH has been to four bowl games since it began play in 1909. Three of those were played in its home Aloha Stadium. Its bowl record is one of futility rather than nobility.
Hawaii does boast some of the NFL's best, such as Pisa Tinoisamoa, Kynan Forney and Wayne Hunter, all perennial Pro Bowl selections.
As for the university, the perception that it's packed with island beauties is false. The average age of a Hawaii undergrad is 26, so dreams of hip-shaking hula babes need a sprinkle of realism. Think wide loads and saggy, umm, eyes.
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