Things not overheard at GOP convention

If I hadn't broken my middle finger while extending it in aid to the Texas Republican State Convention in San Antonio this weekend, I would have gone. Instead I stayed home letting my wound heal for the National Convention this August. I can't wait. Despite the fact that I did not attend the gala this weekend, I am sure I know exactly what went on and what was said at the convention:

"You know, I'm glad we picked Bob Dole to be our man against that Commie Clinton. Dole is a good ol' American boy. I can even remember reading about him in history classes, how he fought in the Civil War and stuff. . .or was it the War of 1812? Anyway, it was one of those wars. . .one that Clinton never fought in. . ."

"Can you imagine that the gays wanted a booth at this convention? The nerve! Aren't they all Democrats or Socialists? Why do they want to come here? They know we hate them. After all, we are the ones that represent family, not the stuff they do. Yuck! Next thing they'll want is to adopt children. . ."

"Hello, Thelma! Yeah, I'm doing fine, and my Jane's doing fine too. You hear she's having a baby? Yeah, the little ol' devil went off and fell in love with her uncle Jed. Crazy girl. . .she's 15. Yeah, I know she's young but in this family, we don't believe in killin' babies, you know. She's going to go all the way. It's God's will. . ."

"I hate Hillary. She's a bitch."

"You know what I reckon' about those black church burnings? They all up `n' did it dem selves. . .that's what I think. All for insurance purposes. I bet you that's what it is. . ."

"Can you believe that now little Jeff's school lets illegal aliens teach there? I am not lying. They be teaching, and they ain't even citizens! I think they try to hide it, though, saying they Bilingual Ed teachers, or something like that. . ."

"I wish Dan Quayle was still running. He was so smart. I'd even prefer Nixon if he wanted to run again. He's dead? When did this happen?"

"I wish all those feminists would just die! They all just hate men because a man did something to them a long time ago. Once they find one, I'd bet you they'd all get married and have kids."

"Death to abortionists!"

"A vote for Clinton is a sin against God!"

"Bible teachings in school!"

"Long live Reagan! A true American hero!"

"Legalize same-family marriages!"

Mind you, this is what I thought I might have heard, not what was said this weekend. If it wasn't said, it will be said in August, at which time, I'll get back to you on the exact quotes.

Contreras is a senior

history and English major.

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