LAW 1301 : used car dealers

by Brian Keith Giovannini

For some reason I am always having to deal with lower life forms. It's bad enough that a close friend of mine is in law school, preparing to become another professional leech, but now I'm also finding myself in constant communication with a horde of used car salesmen.

Confusing myself with a productive member of society, I decided to purchase a quality motor vehicle with one of the numerous plastic cards that endow my wallet. However, such a maneuver required that I come in contact with the insincere smiles of men in cheap suits.

After hardly any consultation and a brief test drive, I decided upon my selection and queried the salesman about any possible mechanical defects -- to which he replied that there were none.

And, for the most part, there were none. There was just a small nuance that was pointed out to me as I battled evening rush hour traffic on I-45. The taillights did not function.

Never have I had a more pleasant nighttime drive. After dropping off my friend in Clear Lake, I decided to minimize my risk of being pulled over on the return trip. What better way to achieve this than to minimize my time on the road? So, I kept my accelerator at about eighty for the return trip. Not that I could read my speedometer all that easily. My dash lights and dome light were both malfunctioning.

I realized this probably wasn't a wise idea as my Civic sped past one of Houston's finest, but apparently he wasn't interested in traffic violations. His flashing lights were directed towards another goal.

After arriving home successfully, I began to wonder if the cause of my evil driving dilemma was a fuse or a short. I also pondered the best method of convincing the dealer to pay for all repairs.

Once again, my flawless reasoning led me to an astute conclusion. What better way to counter greasy salesmen than with the legal elite?

Quoting several state and federal laws, my law student friend convinced me that it would be best for me to get in an accident and become injured. He even quoted me some prices on neck braces.

Unfortunately, a major motor vehicle accident would interrupt my otherwise busy schedule of school and job hunting, so I had to decline his offer to help me work through the litigation.

Instead, I returned to the dealership and demanded that my car be repaired immediately. After giving me a stern lecture on "as is," the dealer agreed to perform the repairs... but not without some prompting. I had to throw out catchy phrases like "deceptive trade practice," "intentionally misleading" and "gross negligence."

Of course, I have no idea if what I said made sense or was even relevant, so the possibility still exists that he agreed to the repairs solely to shut me up.

I guess he has a law student friend, too.

Giovannini is praying that the

income gods will bless him.

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