by Shane Ameen
It's bad enough being of the lighter shade and, therefore, purveyor of all that is and has been evil and unjust in the world. But that's merely toilet paper on the shoe when compared to the shame that accompanies those of us who carry little willy around in our pants.
It's getting to be dangerous around here for us masculine-gendered humans. Especially since we're living under the wing of the next woman to grace U.S. currency, Hillary Rodham Clinton Moses, who'll lead her people into the shackles of true independence. Don't get me wrong; I have extreme respect for Mrs. Clinton and all women. I have to or I would never get any lovin'. Now you see? That statement would be ridiculed by my wife and her girlfriends as being "such a male thing to say." Yeah, yeah, male this.
There was an article in the Outlook section of the September 10, 1995 Houston Chronicle that argued the notion that men are either barbarians or wimps. The guy who wrote the article relayed a complaint from his feminist friend on the condition of the American male population. The gist was that women had two choices: the grunting Neanderthal out of touch with his emotions and the noodle-legged egghead with allergies. Both, as you can see, are rather derogatory.
I can understand some women being upset at the characteristics of their male counterparts. I mean, we think we're better drivers, better workers, better bosses, better soldiers -- and we always leave the seat up. I can understand them wanting us to be like Brad Pitt. He's thoughtful and handsome (at least in the movies he is). I can understand women wanting the perfect companion; they deserve one.
What more women are beginning to understand is that a male will do just about anything if it will help his chances at sealing the deal. This characteristic is truly innate to males. The result of this affliction is that we, as males, try to figure out what it is that females desire, and once we think we figure it out, it changes. As it changes, we suffer serious psychological damage and end up either sniveling in Momma's lap or shooting the President.
Although I'll be quick to accept the numerous shortcomings of my sex, the growing acceptance of male-bashing is getting annoying. Some things we do as males are deplorable, yes, but those things that distinguish us as males are hard to change. There are certain things that can't be helped, and if you ladies really thought about it, some of those things that bother you are what make you like us so much. But most of those things just bug the crap out of you.
Belching is something that some women have a difficult time understanding. Few things beat the feeling of relief one gets from the resonant exit of unruly air. My wife wonders why it's necessary to be so obnoxious about it. I asked her to try it and she'd see, but she told me that she would fail because such a tremendous skill obviously requires a big mouth.
And I'll never understand the uses of such ridiculous items as pillow shams, bed ruffles and throws. Those damn things just get in the way when I'm trying to go to bed. And why the hell is it necessary to have the colors in your bathroom match the ones in your bedroom? And why can't I use a dish towel to wipe up something off the kitchen floor? -- the damn thing's going to be washed anyway. And why is it that no matter how hard I try, I always break some kind of unwritten law about cleaning the house? Maybe I should quit trying to housekeep.
As a man, I have the ability to view any type of sporting event. At the same time, the ability to keep my eyes open at the theater, opera, etc. escapes my feeble nature.
Directions? Hell, all you need is the sun to get where you're going. Shopping? I'd rather be watching sports or sitting in the car listening to sports.
In truth, I have no trouble with acclimating to the expectations of women today. There are some legitimate complaints about the males of our society. I know this because my wife tells me so.
Needless to say, I was born a boy and will remain a boy. I think I'm a man, but with the way women talk sometimes I wonder if I want to be one at all. But if there are only two types of males, I guess I'll be a barbarian, because the wimps get beat up.
Ameen is a senior history major who thinks Richard Simmons knows what women want.