Even though I'm in the newspaper a lot, I've never considered myself a reporter, and I've never gotten any type of scoop. That's why it's so special for me to break the biggest story to hit the University of Houston this year.
I want to be the first to welcome the best addition to the communication school since The Daily Cougar itself. Fellow students, I am pleased to announce the founding of the KPRC College of Broadcast Journalism!
Thanks to a generous grant from Channel 2, UH will now be the foremost training center for newscasters in the nation. Here are just a few of the courses that our new KPRC school will offer:
Graphics 1310: Students will learn how to enhance subjects like foreign policy and oil refinery explosions with colorful animation and catchy sound effects.
Graphics 2310: Weather forecasting.
Health Beat 3355: Boomers are growing old and dying. Learn to exploit their fears through daily medical coverage.
Hair and Makeup 2307: Adjunct professor Dominique Sachse will give you the tools you need to make it in the cutthroat world of news anchors (consent of instructor required; dog-faced people need not apply).
Advanced Hair and Makeup 3307: Taught by Susan Lennon.
First at Four 4444: Learn how to bring class to the news by blocking it between Jerry Springer and Hard Copy.
Extreme Journalism! 3310: Students will be attacked by dogs, hit with mace and sunk in a car while videotape rolls. Do you have what it takes to be a professional journalist? Let Dean Rob Johnson electrocute you until you find out.
Ethics 1301: Canceled.
Frank Billingsley Lecture: Anybody can be a weatherman! Even you!
Entertainment Reporting 1501: Professor Roseanne Rodgers will give you the hard-nosed journalism skills needed to compete with Access Hollywood and Entertainment Tonight. She has masters degrees both in Looking Pretty and in Celebrity Plugs (must be taken concurrently with Wardrobe 1510).
Reporting 1301: Canceled.
Emily Akin Lecture: Learn how to rip off Marvin Zindler's routine with none of the shtick and half the class.
Sweeps Week 1470: Students will learn how to minimize news and replace it with features like "Inside the World of Topless Clubs" and a seven-part Hakeem Olajuwon interview.
Zoology 2370: Professor Sachse will lecture on "our resident monkey" and other species (counts toward Cultural Heritage core credit).
Gimmickry 3480: Students will be instructed in the use of the Accu-Weather Storm Center, Zoom Cam, Doppler 2000 Radar, City Cam and the new Action 2 Battle Van, complete with Sidewinder Cams and Kung Fu grip.
Craig Roberts Lecture: How to maintain talent in the face of mediocrity and constant turnover. Formerly the Ron Stone Lecture.
Investigative Reporting 4204: Videotape men having sex with each other in school restrooms. Grades will be based on lighting and camera technique.
Choose a career that will make a difference, and join the College of Broadcast Journalism today! Dean Johnson is waiting for your application right now ... of course, he's in a shark tank, but don't let that discourage you.
Ginsburg is a senior RTV major.