Size may matter, but what about a mildly intelligent storyline?

Joey Guerra

Entertainment Editor

So if you haven't already heard from the people who gave it a $50 million-plus opening weekend, Godzilla pretty much sucks. Call me crazy, write me nasty letters or pelt my home with baby Godzilla eggs - this is one pretty sorry-lookin' lizard.

When I first saw the previews for this "monster of all summer movies," my initial reaction was much like the one I had upon seeing the trailers for Independence Day, Con Air, Batman Forever, (insert mindless, mondo-budget flick here) - disgust. I must admit, though, I was a fan of Jurassic Park and its sense of awe cheesiness. Big lizard trashes NYC - maybe it wouldn't be so bad after all.

After settling in for a Tuesday night preview of the film, though (during which I did not receive my souvenir ticket, thank you very much, greedy theater workers who took a pair home for their scruffy little brother), I realized this was going to be a close encounter of the Speed 2 kind. Iceberg!

The more I think about this lame-brained, always rainin', full o' plot holes mess-of-a-better-movies-with-a-stupid-love-story-thrown-in collage, the more I would like to breathe fire myself on the studio whizzes behind it. Why is it always so dark and dreary in the city? Does it'ever stop raining? And what's with the annoying French guy who can't find a decent cup of coffee? Hello? Starbucks?

Added to that is the ridiculous way Godzilla seems to disappear for hours with no one able to catch sight of him. This is a guy who plowed his way through a building.

Didn't anyone catch just a tiny glimpse of his tail when he whisked away into an underground cavern that conveniently popped up or when he dived through a building, leaving a hole in it the size of the Empire State Building? Just a thought.

And the shameless rips off other films? Forget about it. Let's see ... there's Jurassic Park (duh), ID4, My Best Friend's Wedding ... kidding! Just wanted to see if you were paying attention.

If this Godzilla took the cheesy approach of the classic originals, it would've been one hell of a fun ride. Instead, we're left with a nerdy worm guy (sorry Matthew Broderick) and an annoying reporter who outwit the monster after he practically swallows the cab they're in by shocking his tongue with a dangling wire. Me, I'll stick with my video tape copy of Jurassic Park. Heck, I'd even settle for Gremlins 2.

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