Have you ever wished that you could be like a fly on a wall? Better yet, have you ever actually felt that way?
Last weekend I managed to break free from the parental chains that bind me and go to a café with a friend.
Little did I know what was to be experienced that evening.
After arriving and waiting to be served, my friend checked out the guy standing in front of us and said (quite loudly, I might add), "Look at his butt. He has the best butt I've seen in months."
There was no reaction from the guy, thank God. It was actually somewhat strange, considering that my friend (forever to be known as "Butt-Girl") kept remarking on the tightness of his glutial muscles.
I began to wonder if he could even hear us. It was not as though he were so tall that we were out of his range.
Luckily, Butt-Girl's attention directed itself toward a new victim.
Once more, I heard her voice climb above the cacophony of the establishment and its patrons.
"Do you see that guy over there on the left? Now I would definitely date him."
I wanted to sink deep into the earth, but that wasn't working for some reason.
While I was debating whether I should simply slap her mouth off her face, she became somewhat pensive.
"Where do you want to sit?" she asked.
We both looked around the cafe with bewilderment. It was like a pick-up paradise - pretty girls and boys everywhere.
The only free table in the house was located in the very center of the hub.
A wave of nausea almost overwhelmed me. What to do?
There was no other alternative. We went and sat down.
For a duration that seemed to last light years (just 20 minutes, really), we watched as women and men chatted and flirted their lives away without a care in the world.
I have never seen more hair tossing, legs crossing and uncrossing, hand holding, shoulder shrugging, smarmy smiling or number exchanging in my whole life.
It was disgusting.
My friend and I sat there for more than an hour, observing these people like scientists watch lab animals. It was foreign, yet completely natural.
That's when I started to feel resentment. What was so unnatural about me? Why wasn't I being approached?
I can be swanky. I can be hip. Right?
I looked at Butt-Girl with dismay. If only she had kept her big mouth shut, we could have met one of these pretty people.
But no, she had to live up to her reputation as Butt-Girl, and I am simply guilty by association.
It's like a life sentence, believe me. I used to wonder what it would be like to observe without being noticed. Now I know.
It's horrible. It was like I was a paper doll cut-out trying to get somewhere in a three-dimensional world.
I have learned something, though. The next time I go out somewhere, I will have to put a muzzle on Butt-Girl.
Mahmoudi, a junior French and German major, seeks new acquaintances without an affinity to the lower body regions. Send comments to email@example.com.