On Saturday the 27th, the Ku Klux Klan will be holding a rally in Jasper. Jasper, Jasper, didn't something or other happen there recently? Something to do with a man being tied to the back of a truck and then ...
Hey, weren't the Black Panthers there holding assault rifles at the funeral? Gee, do you think there'll be trouble?
Anyway, I did some digging (in my head, mostly) and came across the following. Here now is the (Un)Official KKK Membership Application Form Version 1998EZ, filled out with some sample answers.
This is (not) the real thing.
1) Full Name: Eduardo De La Ga...no...hmm, how about Edward Delgers?
2) Race (If anything other than white, go hang yourself): Hmm...Off-White
3) Sex (Women applicants refer to questions 26-99 about subservient behavior): Male
4) Highest Level of Education: Well, I done almost finished the sixth grade
5) Employment: The Harris County Federal Building (I knows where to turn off the alarms)
6) Guns owned: Do Transformers count? Because I still have my Megatron ...
7) Experience with tying knots: I've been able to tie my own shoelaces for six months now
8) Favorite TV show: Sein -no, The Dukes of Hazzard
9) Favorite Movie: Schindler's ... scratch that ... Walking Tall
10) Favorite Music: Broadway theme songs ... no ... delete, delete, delete damn it!
11) Religion: Yes
12) Political group: I don't usually vote
13) Do you look good in white? Well, I've always thought so
14) Do you love your country? Que viva Mexico! Oops... U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!
15) When does American history begin? With the Mayflower
16) Do you believe in the superiority of the white race? Well, y'all sure can play golf!
17) Favorite Bible verse: The one that goes "Whisper words of wisdom, let it be"
18) Favorite magazine: Cat Fancy
19) What can you contribute to the KKK? Ethnic diversity. That's a good thing, right?
20) What is the saddest event in Southern history? The night the lights went out in Georgia
21) Name five traitors: Ben Reyes, Gracie Saenz, Bill Clinton, Ginger Spice and the Taco Bell chihuaua
22) Have you ever been convicted of a federal crime? (If you have, proceed to question 23): That depends. Is stalking a federal offense?
23) What do you believe is wrong with the present government? Well for one thing, I think they ought to go ahead and just open up the borders. I mean, we're all part of the human race, aren't we? All borders do is divide us and ... Uh oh ... What the hell is wrong with this delete key?
24) Children: None that I'm supporting
25) What ideas would you propose to improve the image of the KKK? You could try reaching out to inner city kids. Something like an after school basketball program
(Questions 26-99 for female applicants only) Female subservience to their male counterparts ... cooking, sewing, producing and raising children to be future Grand Wizards, how to take commands, etc. ...
26) Are you from good stock?
Say a prayer for the times, and see y'all in Jasper!
De La Garza is a senior majoring in alpine skiing, drag-strip racing and all-out B.S.-ing. You can e-mail the grand poobah at email@example.com.