The other day I had an incredible nightmare. I dreamt that I was afraid to leave my house because there was a crack addict/serial killer/rapist on the prowl.
All I was doing was watching television and thanking God for cable.
It was only then that I really began to get scared. While watching VH1's "Pop-Up Video," I learned that, according to some experts, the world's growing population will have depleted all of its oil resources in less than eighty years.
The mere thought of losing our main form of transportation made me tremble.
I couldn't deal with that reality. At least not yet. I decided to play it safe and change the channel to CNN, where all they talk about are golf and terrorist bombings.
Yet CNN did not give me any solace. There was some terrible talk show on with that idiot Republican (isn't that simply redundant) Pat Buchanan.
He was babbling on and on that all the Boy Scouts should be expected to believe in God.
Even though that goes against all civil rights laws in California (the Boy Scouts of America is after all a partially publicly funded organization), the California Attorney General backs up Buchanan and refuses to enforce the laws.
Now two young men will not be allowed to continue their scout "careers" because they are atheists and chose to be honest about their beliefs.
That was when I realized I wasn't dreaming - this ridiculous situation was actually taking place.
You'd think the Boy Scouts wouldn't be so picky. Not counting that greasy, odd-smelling, short, dirty-looking man I see on the bus sometimes who wears his uniform like he never gained that extra two hundred pounds, just who else is in the Boy Scouts anyway?
Not only that, but why would boys feel the need to join such an organization that refuses to go along with the times?
So someone can teach them to tie knots and follow a trail of animal droppings while others actually get on with life?
That's what I call a true appreciation of nature. Either that or denial.
Yes, I certainly see how useful those skills are in today's society. Why don't we go pick some berries and learn the fine art of bird calling?
Obviously some people don't watch "Pop-Up Video." If they did, they'd know that we're not going to have any oil in less than eighty years, and that's got nothing at all to do with God.
Where will the Boy Scouts be without that certain essence that fuels their travels to various sites of nature worship?
They'll be on their knees in the middle of some dirt road, tying knots and eating berries, each of them taking his turn praying to God that a dozen broken-in horses saunter by before the serial killer gets him first.
Mahmoudi is a sophomore French and German major and a retired Girl Scout who is widely known for her success in cookie selling, and she accepts e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.