Order now: The Karla Faye Tucker book of proper pick-ax handling and technique

Tate Williams

Karla Faye Tucker needs to die. It doesn't matter that she's a woman or that she claims to be a born-again Christian. She was convicted of capital murder and was sentenced to die. She deserves it. She pick-axed two people to death.

For those of you not familiar with a pick-ax, it's a hand tool with a wooden handle about three feet long. At one end it has a steel or cast iron eight-inch point on one side and a claw shaped scoop on the other.

To use it, you grasp the handle with both hands, one at the top, the other near the bottom. Then you swing the full length of the tool over your head and shoulders, sliding the top hand towards the bottom as you go. When the point hits the earth, it should penetrate the full length of its shaft, at which time you must push the handle away from you in order to break open the soil and begin the process again.

Now, instead of earth, imagine swinging this sod-buster into a human ... not once, but over and over again. And then into another. Imagine each time the point gets stuck, you can't work it out because it's caught underneath a ribcage, or in a shoulder. Then you have to put your foot down on your victim's chest and pull with all your strength to get it out, just so you can take another whack. All the while, your victims are making gargled cries for mercy because they are choking on their own blood. This blood covers you and the ground around you until it's difficult to keep a good grip on the pick-ax.

But none of this bothers you. You're high as a kite. Instead of all this blood and death and stabbing in and out of bodies disgusting you, frightening you, or causing you horror, you enjoy it; so much so that later you state that the experience caused you to orgasm. Imagine that.

Now you know how it feels to be Karla Faye Tucker, pick-ax murderer and born-again Christian.

If I was staring death in the face, I would convert too. Who wouldn't? If she really has found God and believes in eternal life, she shouldn't fear death. Jesus didn't make an eleventh hour appeal. I'm sure the two will have lots to talk about when they meet next week.

The fact that she is a woman shouldn't stand in the way either. Women want equal rights and opportunities; here's their chance to prove it. They fought long and hard for the right to die for their country like men. Where are the activists who claimed that a woman could kill just as good as any man in combat now that a female killer is about to get a man's reward? Out lobbying for Karla Faye Tucker, where else?

Williams is a second Year Law Student.

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