Once upon a time in a land far away well, actually it wasn't far away at all, it was UH, there was a freshman named Lori King.

And every week Lori was given the assignment of reporting her treacherous adventures at UH to all the students on campus. And every week, after reading her column, the students rejoiced.

But one day Lori disappeared. Some attribute her disappearance to the hunger of the "renegade squirrels," while others say she is still standing in the lines at the bookstore. But in any event, the students on campus were sad.

Then, what seemed like an eternity later-well more like two semesters-a new freshman came to campus and his name was Aaron.

And Aaron, in all his courage, decided to take on the challenge of living up to the name of the infamous Lori. And the people rejoiced.

Whether you believe the fable on not, I have been given the opportunity to take over what was once known as "The King Report." Except this time the report will be called the "Fish Follies," and I plan to write for more than a couple of weeks.

Basically, most of the complaints that she wrote about you may hear again. I wonder why? Everything from opinions on overcrowding parking lots to lines at the bookstore.

Everywhere you go at UH, it seems that you learn something new. The following are just some of the things that I learned on the first day of school.

First of all, I received a big shock with the Houston traffic. Since I don't live on or near campus, I must commute from what has become the outer regions of the nether

land, specifically Pasadena.

In my naiveté, I thought that 7:30 a.m. traffic was going to be a breeze. Obviously I have never been up that early. On my first day I coasted at about 30 mph, bumper-to-bumper, looking at the same black Volvo with the collage of bumper stickers that contradictorily read "Vote Reagan for President" and "Marilyn Manson."

I must say that after one day, I have successfully mastered the art of driving. I have learned how to cut someone off by changing lanes and how to use crude hand gestures to convey messages.

I thought that, after arriving at UH from the hellish experience of freeway driving, the rest would be a breeze. But I was sadly mistaken.

Now, normally I am not a defensive person, but trying to find a parking space at UH on the first day, I experienced the syndrome commonly known as "road rage."

Having entered what seemed like the largest used-car lot in Houston, I slowly crept my way around to find a spot. After playing "chicken" with other cars for what seemed like 20 minutes straight, I finally got one.

The space itself, however, was not close. It was so far away I should have brought hiking boots and packed a sack lunch.

With time to kill before my first class, I decided to head on over to the University Center. As I looked around, I saw the campus was swarming with dazed and confused people looking as if they were vacationing in a foreign country.

As I walked around campus, I quickly learned that the dress code was quite a bit different from high school. It seems people don't care what they look like, wearing everything from bikinis to business suits.

Upon arrival at the UC, I glanced over at the bookstore, finding hundreds of textbook-craving students waiting in lines to pay for books and other scholarly necessities. Being the rocket scientist that I am, I wanted to offer those poor students a piece of advice: Buy your books early!

By the time I had attended my shorter-than-short classes, lunch rolled around. I found myself with numerous choices of places to eat. Seeing that I didn't want to hike back to my car and loose my parking space, I was forced to eat on campus.

The dining facilities here are quite diverse. I could have practically eaten anywhere that I wanted to, but I mistakenly sat on a bench instead. Not only was I constantly pestered by those nutty little squirrels, but I was also propositioned by students wanting a bit of my sandwich.

So, out of the kindness of my heart, I threw pieces of bread into the grass and made the two of them fight for it. Let's just say there is a hungry graduate student somewhere looking for food.

As my first two weeks of college come to a close, I find myself realizing that I am now an official Cougar.

Even though I haven't explored and complained about everything UH has to offer, tomorrow is another day: day filled with overcrowded parking lots, bikinis, starving squirrels and another black Volvo.

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