Wednesday, August 4, 1999
Houston, Texas
Volume 64, Issue 162

Cougar Comics Online
Harp as Copy Editor

Staff Editorial

Editorial Cartoon


About the Cougar

The Mo dreams of being The Man

By Brandon Moeller

It's still my summer vacation (I thought I might as well rub it in every week); however, I am having a hard time falling asleep at night. I really don't think I could be classified as an insomniac, because most of the time I'm lying in bed with the lights off and not being able to turn off my head.

I don't know why my brain won't stop spinning, and I wish some kind of health clinic would pay me $200 a night to figure out what makes me so vulnerable to these late-night brainstorming sessions.

I blame it all on the government, society and Hamilton, Jefferson and Franklin. How come I'm only nineteen, yet I owe more than $12,000 to the gods of education, lawyers and 'The Man' in all his evil forms? And when I finally do fall asleep, I am never rested when I wake up -- I only seem to come back to consciousness from dreams I cannot remember.

Here is a little list of things I can't get off my mind when I'm laying in the sack. If you kill a cop, you get life in jail and you can forget about parole.

If a cop kills you, he is convicted of a misdemeanor. And in some cases in this county, if a man with no prior record kills another man, he is eligible for probation.

If you kill an innocent unborn life (a life that never had the opportunity to assert any aggression of it's own) you walk away a few grand short and very sore. However, if you kill yourself with cigarettes, you walk away a mutlimillionaire with the right lawyer. If you're a famous Heisman trophy winner and you kill your wife, then well, they never really did prove anything, now did they?!?

A 45 mm will do me fine, one like DeNiro used in Taxi Driver. No sir, I don't want to go hunting, perhaps only take it to the gun range every now and then and feel the kick and the heat and the smoke fill my nostrils when I'm in control of a piece of chrome that could end it all for any unlucky ... squirrel? I wouldn't have much of a trophy if I hunted squirrels with a 45 mm.

But if I had a gun, I couldn't keep it in the dorm with me. Everybody pours hate on gun holders these days, unless they have a badge. However it is perfectly acceptable to see an officer in uniform at the grocery store, your local Whataburger or at the local video store.

Why would you need a gun in a video store, unless you're responding to a robbery? Why do you need a gun on your waist when all you're doing is renting a movie? Why are they renting movies while they're on duty?

Dispatcher: I need a car out on 5th and Broadway. We've got an angry columnist burning the American Flag again.

Officer: I'm on my way, as soon as I pick up a copy of Falling Down.

Dispatcher: Does that have Billy Bob Thornton in it?

Do they need the protection in a video store? I mean, seriously, is someone going to see a cop in a video store and think, "Hey -- I know, I'll hit them over the head with the latest new release, steal their car as a getaway vehicle and drive to Mexico where I'll hide out with my family until one of them convinces me to turn myself in ..."

I've got cop jealousy. I want a holster. I want some handcuffs -- yeah, baby! I want a night stick, a radio and back-up. I want a big jail cell to throw my parties, or better yet, a dark drunk tank -- those are always the best.

I want a hideous democracy, bureaucracy, courts, and millions of overpaid and comfortable government workers to hide behind.

I want TV shows glorifying my profession: controlling others and practicing the art of denying God-given liberties.

I don't think I'm a big enough control freak to be in that kind of profession. No, I take it all back, I want to keep my job sitting behind a desk and reasoning it all out. Well, actually I want to go to sleep, but I can't. Maybe I should write a new constitution or government or restructure congress some way so the word "justice" isn't so obscene....

You'll never catch me burning an American flag. I don't say that because I'm proud of it, but because I don't think it's just to blatantly offend others while hiding behind the First Amendment.

But I don't think it's a crime to let one of them babies burn every now and then. Perhaps, for some of us, it will serve as some sort of a wake-up call. Still, I don't believe a country, or mankind, can ever wake up from capitalism and other crimes.

I just can't sleep.

Moeller, who has his eyes wide open,
can be reached at brandonmoeller@hotmail.com.

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