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Tuesday, September 7, 1999
Houston, Texas
Volume 65, Issue 11

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Mommy, why can't I have a uterus?

Brandon Moeller

I refuse to care about politics when America's politicians don't care about me. I refuse to make too much sense out of anything, out of fear that if I understand something, it will only make me madder.

I refuse to sit back and let things run their natural course. I don't have the money to change things but I have the spirit. The spirit is null and void, if not downright expired, when it comes to paying the bills. So for now I'll just get by on my own good looks.

Why is there such a fuss over welfare? I see nothing wrong with people who exploit their welfare. I see nothing wrong with people buying lottery tickets and "fohtays" on food stamps. I see nothing wrong with mothers staying mothers, having twenty children in order to get more money from the government. I see more crime in the way corporations waste money than in the ways the government tries to feed the poor.

And I see even more crime in the way the government spends its money when it isn't giving it away to welfare recipients.

I signed up for a political science class this semester, but now I realize there's no use in studying outdated and meaningless documents like the Constitution and the Bill of Rights because they don't apply to the capitalist America in the '90s.

They only applied to the restless hearts that wanted freedom and security from oppressors. Jefferson and the rest of those fools had no idea that people in the future would be so lazy that they'd never leave their houses for fear of missing prime-time television.

Television is eating our minds. Television is selling ignorance and dullness like crack. Television is enslaving our parents. Television is why society does not like extremists. The average television viewer thinks it's obscene when anybody fusses over anything. I want to watch television because I just want to be fed.

Slow your roll, America. I can't keep up with your insanity. I don't want the budget balanced, I want the budget to be divided. Give me my socialism, and super-size it while you're at it! I want to be a communist, but I'm afraid there's no money in it for me.

I want to have an abortion, Mommy. Please let me have an abortion, Mommy. I don't like the daddy, Mommy. Let me have an abortion, Mommy.

Mom, relax, all I want to do is smoke a 'J' while I walk down the street, but yet, I can't -- but if I had a functioning uterus, and if inside that uterus was a functioning and beautiful life, I could snuff it like senators snuff insurance reform bills.

Don't tell me abortion is good for the economy. Don't tell me it is good for the mother. Don't even trip on yourself. I know it's only good for America. More abortions equals less shares. Less shares equals bigger dividends per share.

It's economics, baby. I know a family that has saved almost every penny they have ever made. I don't do this. If $10 equals a good time, I'm 10 short. No biggie. If a good time comes in at $30, alas, I'm spent. I don't get in a fuss over money unless I get ripped off. America, I feel ripped off.

Please, why can’t we even the odds for ourselves? Every American should carry a gun if every God-fearing criminal has two. If cops carry a gun for protection, I want a gun for protection from the protection. Word to your mother, I want a semi-automatic for Christmas, so I, too, can be a big-baller, shot-caller.

I'm tired of asking for things that should come self-evident. I'm just looking to clear my head.


 
Moeller, a sophomore communications major,
can be reached at brandonmoeller@hotmail.com.
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