|Tuesday, September 7, 1999||
Volume 65, Issue 11
Whitlock on Clinton
|Football and '666' make a great mix
By Xavier Trevino
Every fall the masses flock like sheep to witness the greatest travesty to good wholesome American values this country has ever known. They attend "football games." Some of you may say, "Why Xavier, I happen to like football, I find it entertaining and exciting."
I say to hell with you.
Everyone quietly follows along watching the "game" and its barbaric participants, never questioning why they are there or what the game is about. Well, despite life threatening phone calls, near-traffic accidents and a savage squirrel attack, I'm here to reveal the truth about your "football."
Football is the devil's game. It was spawned from the darkest abyss in which the Prince of Darkness dwells. Every time you go to a game, you give worship and glory to the dark lord. Shame on you.
Football gained its origins along the southern coast of Europe. There the Visigoth barbarians who inhabited the land and worshipped pagan gods created the unholy sport. They would take the heads of fallen enemies and toss them about the village. Many of the warriors would get together and play an ancient form of "catch" with the head. Eventually, the game slowly evolved into a primitive version of the schoolyard game "kill the man with the ball."
Through the years, the game evolved into the football we know today. Signs of its pagan origins remain. These symbols of Beelzebub were subtly thrown in by the creators (servants of the devil).
There is so much evil in the game that I hardly know where to begin. Let's start with the "uprights," which are down right evil. The two posts were designed to resemble the horns of ... hmm could it be, Satan? The dark lord sits at the end of the field as the players throw the heads -- err, balls into the mouth of Satan so he may devour them.
The numbers on the jerseys are specifically designed to invoke the evil pagan practice known as "numerology." The numbers invoke supposed luck and fortune.
The referee is also subject to the lures of Satan. His motion for touchdown, with arms raised up, resembles the horns of the devil, and is an ancient Sumerian gesture for "Hail him, all dark and powerful, eater of the sun." Need I say more?
The first referee was rumored to be a product of witchcraft as well, said to have been created from some twigs, bourbon, cow dung and moles' eyes. When the witch finished the incantation, the first referee spewed forth. So, given these facts, I beseech you my fellow Cougars, leave your evil ways behind you and save your soul.
What the hell?
OK, time for a reality check. Football is the greatest sport in the known universe. Football players can physically destroy players of any other sport, (specifically professional bowlers and stock car drivers who are not athletes to begin with).
If you didn't get a chance to go this past weekend, make sure you get out and support your Cougar football team. If you're a student, you get in free. The last time I checked, "free" was still a good thing.
The stadium has been remodeled a bit and is starting to look great. If you get a few friends to go with you'll have an even better time. So take my advice and go watch your team play. Take a little pride in your University by supporting it. And no, football is not a ceremony devoted to the devil ... it's a ceremony devoted to Montezuma.
Xavier "Gengar" Trevino, a junior business/MIS major,
can be reached at ResplendentCrane@AOL.com.