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Monday, April 24, 2000
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Volume 65, Issue 139

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Relationship sex shouldn't be rushed

The Love ‘Doctors'

The Love "Doctors" is a column aimed at encouraging students to share their relationship problems with writers of The Daily Cougar, hopefully in an attempt to help UH students deal with some of these dilemmas.

However, we remind you that the writers offering advice for readers' situations are not professional counselors, but simply "experienced" peers who believe they can help people out.

If you would like to submit a letter to The Love "Doctors," send e-mails to dclovedoctors@hotmail.com. The Love "Doctors" appears in The Daily Cougar every Monday. Letters are subject to editing.

Appetite for love

Our first letter deals with something we have yet to discuss in detail: sex. Sometimes, only one member of the relationship is interested in the physical aspect, which can create great conflict if the other person doesn't want to cooperate.

Dear Love "Doctors,"

I'm very conservative and may not give the impression of being someone who enjoys to have sex frequently. Lately, (my boyfriend) doesn't seem like he wants to be sexually active. I don't know if he ... thinks that I might turn him down. I know that he finds me attractive and (I know that) he loves me because he shows me (through) many small details.

I don't know how to tell him that I want us to have more sex. I'm only 20 and he's 19. I think we're young and should experiment to find out everything there is to know about sex. I would like to do this experimenting with him because I love him, but if he does not become more sexually active I'm afraid our relationship is not going to work out.

I don't even know how to begin a conversation concerning this topic. How can I bring it up without offending him? Please give me some advice!

"Confused"


Dear "Confused,"

You may be conservative on the outside but on the inside you're screaming, "Sexual frustration!" Your relationship priorities are all screwed up. 

I can't believe that you would break up with your boyfriend just because he's not as sex-obsessed as you are. You claim to love him, but if you really do you wouldn't end it on a ridiculous reason like that. I feel sorry for him. You probably aren't even considering his feelings, just your sexual needs. 

Sure a relationship might include sex but that shouldn't be your main focus and your only concern. If you and your boyfriend are close and serious, you should be able to talk about this topic like an everyday issue.

I'm hoping that your boyfriend will have some effect on you in the future (before you get rid of him), since it seems that his life isn't based on sex.

Ms. Love "Doctor"


Dear "Confused,"

Little lady, I think you have your priorities a little mixed up. You claim you're in love with your boyfriend, yet, if he doesn't sleep with you (more or at all, whichever may be the case), you're threatening to leave him.

Sex is something very special between two people -- that is, when both parties are in love and when both parties mean it. If you feel like you're ready and you feel like you should be doing it often, that's wonderful. I'm happy to know you're that secure with yourself and your emotions at the tender age of 20.

However, if your partner is not willing, then you have to respect his reservations if you do indeed love him. Breaking up with someone you love just because he won't go to bed with you is pretty shallow. I understand you have needs, but if he doesn't feel the same way about sex (which, in all reality is a bit of a luxury when it comes to relationships that aren't built upon a marriage contract), then all you can do is respect his feelings on the matter.

I leave you with a bit of advice from the great duo Simon & Garfunkel: "Slow down, you move too fast/You got to make the morning last ...."

Mr. Love "Doctor"


Dear Love "Doctors,"

I am very interested in a girl and I think she's interested in me. Actually, in all honesty, I'm not too sure if she is interested in me for sure, but I'd like to think so. You see, she tends to flirt with me quite a bit, whether it's by saying cute things or "pretending" to come on to me or whatever. I could be totally deluded about the whole thing, but for the sake of asking you guys for advice, let's just assume she is flirting with me.

Anyway, there are a couple of reasons I'm hesitant to ask her out.

The first reason is the obvious one: I'm not sure what she'll say and just like any other guy with a bit of uncertainty, I'm afraid of rejection. The other reason is that I work with her. I'm not sure how it would affect our "professional relationship" and I certainly wouldn't want anything to damage it.

Should I find ways to find out whether I should ask her out (like get people to talk to her) or should I just go ahead and do it without a worry (which is something I think would take a lot for me to do)?

Let me know.
"Shy Guy."


Hey "Shy Guy!"

From all the information that you have given to us on how this girl acts toward you, I have to ask if you notice her flirting with all the guys at work, or just with you. If the answer is "just with me," I would assume that she does have an interest in you.

I would say to put your shy feelings aside and ask her out, but as you seem to have a big problem in that area, you should definitely have some of your friends at work ask her questions. Nothing obvious, of course.

The only major problem that you have is that you both work together. You have to think that if you do ask her out and she says no, then it will be a little awkward working with her because she'll know that you have somewhat of an interest in her. Also, if you two end up dating that's great, but you might want to consider finding a new job. When you start dating you'll see each other a lot if it all works out, but you don't want to see her too much. Maybe keep the job and ask your manager to schedule the two of you only so many shifts together. And whatever the outcome is, just remember that your fellow co-workers will find out one way or another and tease you, so be careful.

As far as rejection is concerned, it's tough but you have to take the risk if it's someone you really want to be with.

Ms. Love "Doctor"


Dear "Shy Guy,"

I totally understand where you're coming from. Sometimes, when a girl just appears to be "out of our league," it's tough to "conjure" up the (guts) to ask her out.

But here's what you do. If you really want to find out if she likes you, spend a little more time with her, test her a bit (don't play games with her, now -- there's a difference!) and try to get some vibes from her.

When you feel comfortable enough, go for it -- ask her out. What do you have to lose? You only live once! But don't wait too long. You might lose her to someone else. And that sucks more than anything.

Mr. Love "Doctor."
 

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