|Thursday, September 23, 1999||
Volume 65, Issue 23
Miller on Pageants
|Sociology is even better than Tae Bo!
By Margaret Mitchell
Are you out of shape? Looking for an easy way to deal with it? Well, have I got something for you!
Don't waste your time sweating it out in aerobics, straining muscles by lifting weights or breathing in harmful exhaust fumes by jogging!
Forget about Jazzercise, yoga and even Tae Bo! Drop that PE class and come on over to the classes that are guaranteed to burn that energy and get that blood pumping!
Come on over to sociology!
That's right! Billy Blanks and his so-called workout looks totally wimpy compared to what's going on in sociology classes. Why waste your time and energy jumping up and down and sweating to the oldies?
Instead, why not jump up and down and beat each other over the head with self-serving pontification yelled at the top of your lungs at poor unsuspecting classmates? Nothing in the world burns fat quite like righteous indignation. Especially since I am right, and you, you moron, are totally wrong!
Don't worry if you like to sweat during a workout. In sociology, that's no problem. We can guarantee there will be no shortage of hot air being blown around.
In fact, the classroom promises to be a virtual sauna. If it's not hot enough for you, just throw some cold water on one of the hot-heads and watch that steam rise!
In addition to burning calories and getting that blood pumping, you'll be able to get valuable practice for parenting by learning how to start every sentence with "No".
"No, capital punishment is not a deterrent" or "No, everyone doesn't have the same chances for advancement in American society because of the distinct disadvantages some groups have" or "No, you can't talk because I am trying to enlighten everyone, you cretin."
Not only can you get practice for parenting, but you can get practice for becoming the next professor, too. We have so many experts on absolutely everything in sociology classes that you can't help absorbing something by just being in the presence of such a wealth of brilliant information.
Just remember to pay attention to the screeching of phrases like "You're wrong, it's..." or "You don't know what you're talking about," and be ready to absorb the genius that surrounds you.
But wait, there's more! If you are not a loud-mouth know-it-all type, don't worry about not getting a workout in sociology class because you still have plenty of options for burning calories:
First, try a warm-up exercise in your mind: Try to scream "Shut up!" as loud as you can without using your voice. Just in case you do use your voice, you don't have to be embarrassed because nobody is going to hear you.
Not even God could hear you over shouting that is loud enough to mask the sound of an atomic bomb going off right outside the window.
Next, you can get that blood pumping by leaving the room every five minutes to go to the bathroom or get a drink of water -- anything to get the hell out of there.
Don't worry that you'll miss something. The shouting is loud enough that you could be in Europe and still hear it. And if there's anything resembling a Jerry Springer brawl, we'll be sure to call you back inside.
Not only will this workout be unforgettable (no matter how many years you spend in therapy trying to forget it), there is still more!
You'll get three hours credit per class! What a deal! So what are you waiting for? Come on over because it just doesn't get any better than this!
Mitchell, a junior political science major (and sociology minor),
can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.