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Monday, August 28, 2000
Houston, Texas
Volume 66, Issue 6 

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Cannibalism not to be feared at UH

Xavier Trevino

First off, welcome back to school. I hope your first week was more eventful than mine, which mainly consisted of sifting through pages of online class notes, wading through lines at the bookstore and sweating profusely in this Texas heat.

Speaking of discomfort, I had the displeasure of watching this national phenomenon known as Survivor. If for some reason you haven't seen the show due to your recent coma, imagine MTV's Real World with geriatrics and put them on a deserted island with all types of natural refuse.

What did these people do for their million dollars? Lie, cheat, and steal. While some would say that this just proves that money brings out the worst in people, I have to disagree. It's lack of money that brings out the worst in people.

If your mechanic had piles of cash he wouldn't need to charge you for repairs you did not need. If I had money I'd have a platinum grill and that would bring happiness to all who saw my smile. If Willie the homeless man had money he wouldn't have to hunt baby seals. I think I made my point.

What I want CBS, or more likely HBO, to make is a hardcore survivor show. None of this voting off the island crap. I want twelve people kidnapped from off the streets, totally unaware of what's going to happen to them, and tossed on an island.

And we get to watch from the comfort of our own living rooms.

When the last cannibal is left HBO will come flying down in an unmarked helicopter. They will then present the flesh eater with his prize of one billion dollars, a life time supply of beef jerky, and his own copy of the DVD director's cuts of Silence of the Lambs and Lord of the Flies.

In the spirit of my new future in television programming I will provide the new students of the University with The Resplendent Crane's UH Survival Guide.

First off, go to class. The lecture may be boring and the students in your class unattractive, but you would be surprised by how many test questions you actually recall during test time.

Second, avoid the squirrels at all costs. Though they may have wily charms and puffy tails, those looks are a cover for their dark plan for enslaving the human race.

Finally, do not procrastinate. Many a young freshman has fallen from this ivory tower because they thought their high school cramming techniques would work at the college level. 

Here's a tip. Reprint all your syllabi and make all the test dates one day in advance. The thing is to trick yourself into actually cramming in advance so when you realize your test is a day later you're that much more prepared.

It does take a lot to survive your college years. Even though we are not forced to dine on dung beetles and hunt rabid wombats, our struggle is not for the feint of heart. Poorly prepared ramen noodles have killed more college students than runaway buses.

You're in college, you are the future of America and if you have the will, the courage and the monetary funds, you will survive.

Good luck out there.

Trevino, who is not now and never has been a cannibal, 
can be reached at ResplendentCrane@aol.com.

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