How to succeed at UH:
advice and admonitions
Whoa. Three years have gone by and here
I am, starting my fourth year at the University I have come to love and
If you're new here, you're probably asking
what there is to love about this place. I can empathize with you, the sensible
new Coogie, because you probably just got finished
standing in a five-mile line to pay money
in a dark, dank basement, only to crawl out and have to trek around a huge
campus in the scorching Houston heat looking for that
damn Heyne Building.
Don't listen to a word of that administrative
doublespeak about improving "student friendliness." Talk about a public
relations attempt turned into a gut-wrenching nightmare.
I mean, if they really cared about being
more "student-friendly," they would give us back our own radio station,
our own off-campus TV station, our own geography major
opportunity and our own dignity. Yes,
I can remember a time when I could hold my head up while attending the
now-75-year-old university my father attended, but that was
before I woke up and smelled the corruption.
The UH administration is chock-full of organization men relying on the
Texas buddy-buddy system, and is always making
headlines for being sued left and right
by its own current and former employees.
But try not to let it get you, the loyal
reader, down. Leave that to professional student journalists who must constantly
drink to make any sense out of it.
Here's a few more random admonitions, to
help you get the most out of the wild UH ride on which you are embarking.
If you are able to, live in the dorms for
a minimum of one year, but not more than four years. It is very easy to
wear out your welcome if you are 10 years older than the average.
Not only will dorm life work wonders for
your immune system, as it is in constant contact with ugly strains of lazyitis,
sickitis and drunkitis, but it is a great way to meet people and
sleep in an invaluable extra 15-45 minutes,
depending on your commute and parking ethics.
College isn't the place for seeking discipline,
unless you're an 8:30 a.m.-class-attending masochist. If you're looking
for the d-word, join the army or try to quit smoking. Either,
they tell me, will be the hardest experience
of your life.
Talk to strangers, unless they talk to
themselves. If you're responsible and 21 or older, go to the bar downstairs
at the University Center and order a fancy drink like a
grasshopper, White Russian or even a Bloody
Mary. Be kind to the workers but complain to the manager when they don't
have the necessary ingredients.
Get a job on campus in an effort to simplify
your after-class commute. I hear this fine publication is hiring (wink
wink, nudge nudge).
Go to as many frat parties as possible,
but always explain to them that you are still "evaluating your brothership/sistership
options" as you guzzle down the free beer.
Don't be afraid to walk around campus at
night; for the most part it's completely dead and riffraff-free. On the
same token, don't be afraid to call Cougar Patrol (or whatever their
name is) if you're too drunk or tepid
to walk alone.
Explore the vastness of the library, but
keep your silly foot fetishes to yourself.
Figure out what you believe in and stand
up and express it, but constantly question what you are doing and why.
College is one of the greatest learning experiences one can
ever be granted. Don't close your mind
to the new and uncharted waters. Discover what you want and work hard for
it, but don't lose your soul in the process.
Oh, and the Heyne Building (pronounced
"high-nee") is located behind the huge Cullen fountain near Cullen Street.