The Trash Man fills the
Dumpster with frog legs
The Trash Man
Now that I have that rancid Longhorn taste
out of my mouth, and have finally finished plucking those Owl feathers
from between my teeth, let's get a move
on to devouring an even tastier treat
-- Horned Frogs.
Yeah, I know, what's a Horned Frog? It's
kind of like a Billiken: Does it exist? Does anyone care? But more on that
Welcome to Conference USA, Christians.
Yeah, we've heard all about your successes over in the Western Athletic
Conference, and how your program is
on the rise.
Yeah, and former coach Dennis Franchione
misses drawing the X's and O's in Fort Worthless.
Without former running back LaDainian Tomlinson,
your football team, school and city are like what you get when you subtract
one from one. Nothing.
And that's all you'll ever be as far as
I'm concerned. But at least you did exit the weak WAC and settled into
a real conference.
You Christians almost surprised me on the
first week of the season against Nebraska. You held one of the nation's
best running teams to less than 200
yards rushing, but still fell short, 21-7.
But after cruising to victories over powerhouses
(note the sarcasm) North Texas and Southern Methodist, you lost control
of the wheel and crashed headfirst
into a brick wall.
Last week, the Christians lost to No. 18
Northwestern in Fort Worthless.
The Christians put up a good fight, taking
the Wildcats to overtime, only to lose 27-24. It was --
Wait a minute. Northwestern State? TCU
lost to a Division I-AA school? Where the hell is Northwestern State? When
was it admitted into the Union? Is it
somewhere nestled between Canada and Washington
Man, that's embarrassing. Almost as embarrassing
as counting victories against a local high school and an institute for
the handicapped to your total
That's right, those Christians from Fort
Worthless defeated both the Deaf & Dumb Institute (1906, 1908) and
Fort Worth Central High School (1911) in what
I'm sure were evenly contested battles.
A high school? Come on, Christians, I know
Jesus would want to you to play better competition than that.
But I guess if he really cared about your
school, you would be able to beat Div. 1-AA schools.
Speaking of deities, what's up with your
school name? Whatever happened to the separation of church and state? If
I'm a Buddhist, can I enroll at your
prestigious (again, note the sarcasm)
And don't make me go off on your ridiculous
mascot. Can I see the hands of people who are afraid of "Horned Frogs?"
I don't even think they exist.
Let's not just stop at a mascot change
either, your team's futility is more deeply rooted.
Instead of "Texas Christian University,"
why not "The Crappy University," "The Cleric's Utopia" or maybe "Trashman's
I don't know what the women look like at
Texas Christian, but I've been to the Metroplex, and I'm still waiting
to see just one cute girl walk past me.
I would go into the Christians' traditions
somewhere around here, but as I thumb through the media guide, it's obvious
that there are none. You guys ought
to be crucified.
A school devoid of traditions after 105
years of football is just sad. It almost makes the Trash Man want to cry.
But the only tears that will fall from my eyes
will be tears of joy after the Cougars
crush you at Robertson Stadium on Saturday.
Cougars 17-12. See you at the game.
And Christians, to quote famed poet MC
Hammer, "You Need to Pray Just to Make It Today."