Friday, September 28, 2001 Volume 67, Issue 27


 
 









 
The Trash Man fills the Dumpster with frog legs

The Trash Man

Keenan Singleton

Now that I have that rancid Longhorn taste out of my mouth, and have finally finished plucking those Owl feathers from between my teeth, let's get a move
on to devouring an even tastier treat -- Horned Frogs.

Yeah, I know, what's a Horned Frog? It's kind of like a Billiken: Does it exist? Does anyone care? But more on that later.

Welcome to Conference USA, Christians. Yeah, we've heard all about your successes over in the Western Athletic Conference, and how your program is
on the rise.

Yeah, and former coach Dennis Franchione misses drawing the X's and O's in Fort Worthless.

Without former running back LaDainian Tomlinson, your football team, school and city are like what you get when you subtract one from one. Nothing.

And that's all you'll ever be as far as I'm concerned. But at least you did exit the weak WAC and settled into a real conference.

You Christians almost surprised me on the first week of the season against Nebraska. You held one of the nation's best running teams to less than 200
yards rushing, but still fell short, 21-7.

But after cruising to victories over powerhouses (note the sarcasm) North Texas and Southern Methodist, you lost control of the wheel and crashed headfirst
into a brick wall.

Last week, the Christians lost to No. 18 Northwestern in Fort Worthless.

The Christians put up a good fight, taking the Wildcats to overtime, only to lose 27-24. It was --

Wait a minute. Northwestern State? TCU lost to a Division I-AA school? Where the hell is Northwestern State? When was it admitted into the Union? Is it
somewhere nestled between Canada and Washington state?

Man, that's embarrassing. Almost as embarrassing as counting victories against a local high school and an institute for the handicapped to your total
all-time record.

That's right, those Christians from Fort Worthless defeated both the Deaf & Dumb Institute (1906, 1908) and Fort Worth Central High School (1911) in what
I'm sure were evenly contested battles.

A high school? Come on, Christians, I know Jesus would want to you to play better competition than that. 

But I guess if he really cared about your school, you would be able to beat Div. 1-AA schools.

Speaking of deities, what's up with your school name? Whatever happened to the separation of church and state? If I'm a Buddhist, can I enroll at your
prestigious (again, note the sarcasm) university?

And don't make me go off on your ridiculous mascot. Can I see the hands of people who are afraid of "Horned Frogs?" I don't even think they exist.

Let's not just stop at a mascot change either, your team's futility is more deeply rooted.

Instead of "Texas Christian University," why not "The Crappy University," "The Cleric's Utopia" or maybe "Trashman's Cathartic Urge."

I don't know what the women look like at Texas Christian, but I've been to the Metroplex, and I'm still waiting to see just one cute girl walk past me.

I would go into the Christians' traditions somewhere around here, but as I thumb through the media guide, it's obvious that there are none. You guys ought
to be crucified.

A school devoid of traditions after 105 years of football is just sad. It almost makes the Trash Man want to cry. But the only tears that will fall from my eyes
will be tears of joy after the Cougars crush you at Robertson Stadium on Saturday.

Cougars 17-12. See you at the game.

And Christians, to quote famed poet MC Hammer, "You Need to Pray Just to Make It Today."
 
 
 
 
 

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