Thursday, October 18, 2001 Volume 67, Issue 41



The Trash Man cleans out the kitty 
litter box

The Trash Man

Keenan Singleton

Friend and foe alike, welcome to the Trash Man's domain.

Since I know it's coming, you can send your (hat)e-mail to


It's the home of queens, bad football and bearcats. Sounds like a really happy and magical place.

Known nationally as the "Queen City," Cincinnati offers plenty for tourists. You could visit the always exciting Oktoberfest-Zinzinnati or if you're black, you can look forward to getting beaten or even killed by the Cincinnati Police Department.

Oh, Cincinnati, the land of frolicking fun.

The Queens boast about how they have one the oldest programs in college football.

Who cares? The milk in my refrigerator is old, but do you see me gloating about it?

How about bragging about how successful its program has been? Oh wait, you would've actually had to have some semblance of success to do that, now wouldn't you?

And much like your favorite son, Pete Rose and the Hall of Fame, the Queens and success will never go together.

The Queens' proudest tradition, beginning their football program in 1885, makes me think of all the datelines and advancements this country has made since the 19th century.

There have been two world wars. The television was invented. Hell, Milli Vanilli even won a Grammy. And in 113 years, the Queens have participated in five bowl games.

That is not a typo. The Queens have been to one bowl every 22.6 years. And here I thought Queens liked uhh bowls.

The Queens are officially known as the "Bearcats."

The Trash Man has heard of bears. And he's heard of cats. 

But a "bearcat?" Come on, Queens, I know your half-canine/half-feline selves can do better than that. 

Yeah, I read all about Leonard K. "Teddy" Baehr, save it. It's an uninteresting story that only serves to torture people -- much like your football team.

Queens, hopefully you can join "Men Fist" in doing us all a favor and dropping your football program. If that's not possible, I wonder if Kenyon Martin has any eligibility remaining?

It's so bad that the Cincinnati Reds would probably whip you 24-10 at Nippert Stadium.

Queens, I'll be honest with you: Your football program and your city are like stating that Memphis is west of Nashville -- you're a mistake, a mistake that UH will erase Saturday at Homecoming.

We know underdogs can rise up and whip you because the Dayton YMCA toasted your paws in 1891.

But hey, at least you're better than the Bengals.

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