WWF stuck between Rock
and hard place, needs new Angle
The Wrestling Report
Ed De La Garza
A funny thing happened while I was watching
It was during Rhyno's World Championship
Wrestling U.S. Title defense against Kurt Angle. Halfway in, I stopped
thinking like a fan and started thinking like one of those
people who make fun of pro wrestling.
It was surreal.
I saw tens of thousands of people in Kansas
City, Mo., watching two men in tights fight a scripted match. I heard the
crowd chanting "U-S-A," completely ignoring the fact
that both "combatants" are Americans.
I thought about what carefully thought-out feud had prompted these two
men to settle their dispute by dressing up in Lycra and
fighting on a stage.
The idea of suspending one's disbelief
was foreign to me. I couldn't understand why Rhyno wasn't being hauled
off to jail for viciously attacking Edge backstage. I couldn't
understand why neither Rhyno nor Angle
had died as a result of massive internal bleeding.
I couldn't understand why more wrestlers
aren't alerted to their opponent's secret plans. There's always a camera
around when wrestlers are talking backstage, yet they
fail to grasp the idea of videotape. Instead
of running a pointless "Who ran over Austin" angle, why not just check
out the surveillance cameras?
I wondered if The Rock always spoke in
quick, rapid-fire phrases and how in God's name he could put eight phrases
in the word "smell."
I thought to myself, what's so special
about Kane that he can make fire shoot out of the ringposts just by dropping
his arms? If you believe commercials, he can also
make pasta pop out of cans and onto a
And how did the Undertaker go from a member
of the undead into an outlaw biker? Riding around on a motorcycle doesn't
change the fact that you're still a zombie.
I worried about The Hurricane. I don't
think it's normal for someone to go around thinking he's a superhero, regardless
of the fancy costume. Gregory Helms needs help,
And how does Diamond Dallas Page find the
time to be a motivational speaker on the side? I've seen Tough Enough.
You have zero time to relax, much less visit
hotels to give little pick-me-up speeches.
Even if he can find the time, why isn't he a champion? If he's so great
at motivating, he should be able to motivate himself into
winning a title.
What's he doing instead? He's getting his
arse kicked by a man who can set ringposts on fire.
But I'm just nitpicking. It was a great
Mercy bo coop
Somewhere, Bill Goldberg is sitting at
home, counting the money he's getting for not doing a damn thing, while
the man he deemed unworthy of lacing his boots is the
proud holder of the WCW World Title.
A few months before Chris Jericho's contract
with the old WCW ran out, he was set to have a program with Goldberg. He
even teased it by making fun of the big stiff's
unbeaten record. This was at the height
of Jericho's comedic heel turn -- back when he was good.
But Goldberg vetoed the idea, saying Jericho
was too small to be involved in the World Title mix, even if only for a
squash match. Of course, that meant weeks of
preparation and interviews had been for
Sunday at No Mercy, Jericho beat The Rock
to win his first world championship. He didn't turn heel, but he was aided
by the lovely Stephanie McMahon. Since he didn't
swerve Rocky during Raw's main event,
it could end up being another slow turn, much like Christian's a couple
of months ago.
I may not be the greatest of fans these
days, but The Rock has turned it up a notch in the ring. One would think
his newfound status as Hollywood actor would have
turned him into the modern reincarnation
of Hulk Hogan, but he's not half-stepping it. You can only hope his program
with Jericho lasts through Survivor Series.
In other news, Steve Austin retained the
WWF World Title in his match against Rob Van Dam and Kurt Angle. While
having Austin keep the belt despite the best efforts
of a meddling Vince McMahon is big, the
fact that Van Dam competed in the main event so short into his WWF career
is even bigger. Anyone else notice he was the
only Alliance star to score a victory
over the WWF on Monday?
Also, Edge regained the Intercontinental
Title from Christian after nearly killing his brother in a ladder match;
Undertaker continued to bury Booker T by scoring a clean win;
The Dudleys held on to the WWF Tag Team
belts; Test shocked the world -- and the man who can set ringposts on fire;
The Hardys defeated The Hurricane and Lance
Storm to retain the WCW Tag Team titles;
and Torrie Wilson defeated Stacy Kiebler.
Well, if you believe the hype (and Lord
knows I always do), Survivor Series should be one for the ages. As stated
Monday, one match will decide the ultimate winner in
the battle between the WWF and the WCW/ECW
Alliance for wrestling supremacy.
Can you not feel the power that is readied
to flow from the long and storied annals of grappling folklore, ultimate
ones? Bask in the greatest of magnitudes as the battle
between good and evil finally prepares
to come to its awe-inspiring climax as the second year of this millennium
draws to a close. Prepare, O ultimate ones. Warriors
unite, for the ultimate war is at hand!