Thursday, November 15, 2001 Volume 67, Issue 61



UAB's too smart for UH

The Trash Man

Keenan Singleton

Shhh, be very quiet. Cougar fans, I have a special treat for you we've been granted access to the uncivilized world.

Let's peek in on a typical dinner conversation in Alabama.

Son "Hey Pa, me gots sum gud news. After 10 years, I is dun wit high skull. An 'sted uv gittin' work at the Piggly-Wiggly, I thank I wants to be a lurned man. I wants to gets edjeekated at college."

Father "Dat's gud to hear, boy, what you wants frum a school?"

Son "I dunno. I hates black folks, so sumplace dat I can treat dem like crap."

Father "It shure is fun to beat dem, ain't it? So do ya gots any ideas 'bout where ya wants to go?"

Son "Yep, how 'bout dat lucal kammunity college up da road?"

Father "No, boy, dat kinda schooling's too dang much fer you. How 'bout ... what's dat school? Uh, UAB?"

Son "I fergot all 'bout dem. Shoot, Pa, I kud probly be the bestest student dere."

Father "Dat's mah boy."

What can I say about our next opponents, the Alabama-Birmingham Blazers? Well, not much considering, UAB is a school totally devoid of history, a school totally devoid of tradition ... but here it goes anyway.

Established in 1945 as an outlet for the "special" students in Alabama, UAB is a university I wouldn't want to send my dog to.

Here's why. My dog would probably get accepted to a better university than UAB; plus, my dog is black.

And believe me, if you're black, you don't want to be anywhere near Alabama, and definitely nowhere near Birmingham.

Birmingham, for the uninformed (a.k.a. anyone in or from Alabama) is the undisputed capital of racism in this country. And that's no trash.

In 1963, the basement of 16th Street Baptist Church was bombed with four little girls inside. Truly one of the darkest days in our nation's history.

Birmingham is also known as the "Magic City." What's so magical about Alabama? Racism? The XFL's Birmingham Bolts? Oh yeah, they don't exist anymore.

UAB's head football coach is Watson Brown, brother of Texas head coach Mack. That should be more than reason enough to steamroll these clowns.

Of all the mascots the Cougars have faced this year, UAB owns the worst of them all. Blazers? Clearly, Birmingham has seen more than its fair share of dragons flying around its "city." Maybe they should give Harry Potter a call. He can use his magic to make the Blazers good.

It's only November, but I already want to start making out my Christmas list. I have one request for President Bush: Please ship the state of Alabama to the Indian Ocean. The country's been dumbed down by these folks for way too long.

It's elementary, my dear Watson the Cougars will extinguish the Blazers on Saturday, 29-24.

Go seniors.

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