Celebrate: Jesse Helms
is leaving the Senate
Party like it's 1999. Dance "the robot,"
celebrate with the masses… Drink a beer—drink five. Jesse Helms will soon
be nothing but a
memory in the United States Senate. After
nearly 30 years of racist leadership of North Carolina, the decrepit hate
pimp will not seek
reelection in the 2002 senate race.
Oh, this man… Where do I begin? How have
we all slept so soundly for all these years, knowing that this man was
Let's talk about how this demon of a politician
even came into power. He first ran for the senate in 1972 against another
politician, who happened to be of Greek
descent. The Jesse Helms campaign slogan? "Elect one of us." The VFW Halls
Pro-segregational mullet-sporters came
out of their tool sheds and flocked to the polls—Helms won. When things
got tight in Helms'
bid for reelection in 1996, Jesse played
the race card in vicious, nationally distributed television ads. Helms
was running against a
very popular politician that year, the
black former mayor of Charlotte. Helms whipped up a commercial showing
a black man taking a
job from a "deserving" white man in order
to demonstrate his staunch opposition to affirmative action programs. Sadly,
squeaked out of the race victorious, capturing
52 percent of the vote.
Senator Helms is also a very eloquent speaker.
He was once quoted as saying, "If the homosexuals would stop doing what
doing, an end would be put to all future
cases of AIDS." I love it. The reasoning used here is just beautiful. If
stop having sex, then there wouldn't be
AIDS anymore, even though the disease is rampant in heterosexuals as well.
phone, stop the research teams… I think
we've got something here.
Dubbed as "Senator No," Helms was famous
for killing political nominations and consistently voting against any remotely
legislation. School lunch programs for
needy children? No. Trade with third world countries? No way. Protect a
woman's right to
choose? Come on, are you kidding? Never.
Admittedly, I am a liberal. Of course I'm
supposed to disagree with Helms, but if you think it's only Democrats and
opposing Helms, look again. Even Republicans
shun this man. And why should they like him? He is an openly racist and
extremist. Republicans beg for the minority
vote year after year, pathetically attempting to court blacks and pulling
support. Helms hasn't acted as anything
but an anchor on the party's attempt to break away from perceived racist
So he's going out in a blaze of glory.
His North Carolinian constituents didn't toss him out of office, and for
this I am disappointed.
Hopefully voters will redeem themselves
by electing a more tolerant and politically correct candidate in 2002,
which shouldn't be a
problem seeing as how the Republican Party
will surely tap Elizabeth Dole to run for the vacant seat. Relief, relief—my
embarrassment will soon subside. With
such a memorable reign in U.S. politics, Helms deserves to have his jersey
retired in the