Rice gets tossed into
The Trash Man
Remember that kid back in elementary school
that everyone picked on for some reason or another?
Well, in the world of Division I college
football, Rice is that little kid.
No one fears Rice. Heck, nobody even respects
them and to be honest, no one likes Rice, even their fans.
In simpler terms, Rice sucks.
Their program is so sad that you almost
feel sorry for them …
But then you sit back and realize that
they do it to themselves.
It doesn't help that they run an offense
that puts fans to sleep and keeps them out of the seats (the spread option),
they have a
70,000 capacity stadium for a school that
only has 2,700 undergraduates and to cap it off, they stole our first soccer
Huston. That one still hurts to this day.
During Rice's 90-year history, their overall
record is an impressive 383-486-22, with the Owls amassing seven jaw-dropping
conference championships (one since 1957).
Some of you may say, if Rice sucks, and
we lost to them last year, where does that put us?
Good point, but let's recap the 2000 Bayou
Last season's Bucket was simply a farce.
To be honest, we gave the game away.
The spirit of William Marsh Rice (the school's
founder) must have been hovering over Rice Stadium to give the Owls the
They had a huge edge in penalties, we lost
one of our star receivers, Orlando Iglesias, and costly turnovers at inopportune
gave them the slim 30-27 victory in overtime.
But if the team itself doesn't bore you
to death, you also get to be treated to the worst 10 minutes of your life,
courtesy of the Marching
Owl Band, affectionately known as the
Now if you haven't seen the Mob perform,
get ready to the witness the most unorganized, third-rate band (if that's
what you want to
call them) to grace a football field.
Other traditions of Rice include the ugliest
collection of women in the nation, and "Sammy the Owl."
Now Shasta, that's a name for a mascot.
Don't name your school symbol after a one-eyed, black Jewish lounge singer.
History-wise, the Cougars own Rice. UH
has won 20 of the 27 meetings and this Saturday should be no different.
Cougar wide receiver Mark Hopkins has guaranteed
victory over the hapless Owls.
I concur, Cougars 30-7. 'Nuff said.
And besides, they're our (bleep).
Now that I'm done with Rice, let me trash
the local and cable stations.
Why is there no television for this game?
Sure, the two teams combined for a 6-16 record last season, but it's Houston's
I programs and that deserves coverage.