Thursday, February 7, 2002 Volume 67, Issue 88



Liberals make excuses for criminals

Joshua DeLano

I have been inspired to take off my Republican glasses of clarity, truth and logic and to replace them with the rose lenses of liberalism, just for
long enough to see Osama bin Laden as liberal Democrats see him: as a hero who's overcome adversity. A person like Andrea Yates, who is
not accountable for her own actions. Now of course poor Andrea had post-partum depression, so that's her excuse ... er, um, I mean, reason.

Now let's visit utopian liberal-thinking world, where no one is accountable for their actions. On with the rose-colored glasses; exit reality, enter

Bin Laden's is quite a triumphant story when we take into consideration what he has been through in his life. Poor bin Laden is not to blame
for his actions; they are the fault of his parents and surroundings during his childhood and early youth.

"We can be circumspect by simply digging a little and seeing that this man could be diagnosed with temporary insanity for his actions," says a
renowned activist defense attorney.

In my interviewing of several psychologists and attorneys it can definitely be concluded that bin Laden's past abuse and mistreatment during
childhood is the obvious catalyst for the outcome of the "terrorist attacks."

"Not only is bin Laden not to blame for the attacks because of a psychological disorder, but also because he is simply a hero fighting for his
country's freedom," says Senator Liberal Schmiberal.

I, as a member of the fine institution of this nation known to you as the media, have delved into bin Laden's life and childhood. Many "patriotic"
citizens of our country seek revenge at this time for the pain they feel at the loss of loved ones and fellow countrymen. Why can't we take a
moment and talk this thing over like our great god Bill Clinton? 

Better yet, why don't we have bin Laden as president and that other guy, who didn't inhale, as vice president so that we as Americans can
enjoy more freedom and get together with our 10 or 20 wives and smoke a joint while singing "Hotel California"?

Bin Laden believes in his religion so much that he justifies killing women for showing their faces or going out in public alone.

"Bin Laden is just misunderstood; we can't blame him for his actions. He's from a dysfunctional millionaire family," said Whiney Bleedingheart,
a college student at Yale University.

I asked a well-known Democratic politician what he thought about bin Laden and our nation's current situation. He had this to say: "Hey, I
admire the guy; I mean if he can have all those women for himself and not have the government hassle him about it, how can we so hastily
judge and blame this poor victim of a man for what has been done?

"He is an icon for his honorable group of freedom fighters. A ray of shining light for all of us who are also from abused homes, situations of
neglect, people who kill their five children while suffering from post-partum depression, and a beacon of hope for those of us with a dream to
overcome it all and seek true freedom. 

"I hope we will be there in Nirvana someday with Osama bin Laden and the 13 virgins. He is proof that those who've come from abuse and
dysfunction can make it too.

"Who cares about our founding fathers right now; that was the past. Look where 'In God We Trust' has gotten us. Nowhere. Really, has all of
this Bible fairy tale stuff gotten us anywhere when we have such a great man among us now? You have the power to choose and protest
against the current fundamentalism and embrace this new ray of light, which seeks out true freedom from the bonds of conservative America."

As I reflect on what I've thought during my liberal touchy-feely high, I decide I'll stick to being a conservative Republican, with a grip on reality
and principles rather than emotions and the socialist bandwagon. God bless you and God bless America.

DeLano, a sophomore political 
science major, can be reached at

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