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Volume 68, Issue 49, Friday, November 1, 2002


Saddam writes a letter to Bush

Mason Lerner
Opinion Columnist

Dear George, Itis me, Saddam. How the hell are you? Iim sure you are surprised to get a letter from me, but it seems we have reached an impasse. I know you would like nothing better than to see my head on a platter, but Mr. President, I beseech you to please hear me out and perhaps even empathize with my position.

We should be able to relate to one another. Both of us suffer the isolation experienced only by men who wield great power.

At the core, we are both still just two regular guys struggling with everyday problems. The world doesnit see that. I can relate when I see your daughters exploited by the press for their youthful transgressions.

In their day, my sons, Uday and Qusay, were also quite the hellraisers. In fact, if we could settle this little "threat of war thing," maybe you and I could start a support group for world leaders with family issues. I am all about unilateral harmony.

You say that you demand to resume weapons inspections or there will be war. Is that really necessary? I mean, think about it. How would you feel if you didnit have a nuclear bomb? Can you imagine how I feel? I mean, frickini Pakistan has a nuke these days.

You fight for the right for your own countrymen to bear arms. Why do you want to deny me the same right?

Of course, you will retort by saying I pose a threat to stability in the Middle East. I do not understand how you came to this conclusion. All I want is stability. That is why I need nukes.

The only thing harming the stability in the Middle East is the Zionist presence in Palestine. If you would allow me, along with others like me, to continue to increase our arsenals, you would see that this problem can and will take care of itself.

Why do you constantly harp on my human-rights record? So Iive used a bit of chemical warfare here and there. Didnit you see me winking and nudging when yiall supplied me with the stuff? I mean, I did use some of it for medical research.

Besides, what about you? You are the one whose country has created a disproportionate prison culture. I just released thousands of prisoners with complete amnesty. Letis see you do that.

Finally, I donit understand your twisted desire to "democratize" my nation. I think that before you point your finger you should make sure your hands are clean.

How can you call me a dictator? Go check the record. You didnit even win the popular vote. I know your approval rating skyrocketed after Sept. 11, 2001, but do you know what mine is, George? One hundred percent. And I donit even have a publicist.

Yours truly,


P.S.: If it matters at all, I also think abortion sucks.

Lerner, a senior communication major, 
can be reached at


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