Hi 70 / Lo 42
|Volume 68, Issue 56,
Tuesday, November 12, 2002
Micromanagers make us better
There are certain individuals without whom none of us could properly function. These pillars of society make the world the wonderful place it is today by dictating to others how every aspect of their lives should operate.
And although they are typically under-appreciated, we need to show some love to those who care enough to micromanage our lives.
Micromanaging is the art of paying close attention to every little detail in the way another person works, plays, sits in a chair, etc., then telling the person exactly how it should be done.
We all could use micromanagers in our world. After all, we need people to monitor every move we make and to tell us how we could better write a report, sort our files and even brush our teeth. Without them, weid all be running around aimlessly, screaming, "Which shoe goes on which foot? I havenit put on my shoes since yesterday, and I canit remember how. Confound these contraptions. Confound them."
Compulsive micromanagers are crucial to even the most basic human functions.
After all, true leadership isnit considering the advice of your subordinates, treating them like human beings and letting them run around, performing tasks willy-nilly. True leadership is talking down to those around you, treating them like theyire total idiots and specifying exactly how everything must be done.
If youire one of the few, the proud, the control freaks, by all means, donit limit micromanaging to the workplace. If you have not yet been promoted to the level of management at work, or if you just need some extracurricular practice, there are many around you who could use your unlimited fount of wisdom in every aspect of their lives. Friends, family, even complete strangers are practically begging for your advice on the best way to do whatever theyire doing at the moment.
If youire a micromanager, you need to pat yourself on the back for doing such a good job — but make sure you only do it with one hand, and only three times. You donit want to cause a spectacle or make yourself sore.
Those lives youive contributed to might not get around to thanking you — ingrates. You should let them know how little they could accomplish without you, and how much they need to know how you do everything, since your way is always the best way.
You should also remind them that the iron grip that squeezes the life out of everyone within a 50-mile radius is a grip of love. It means you care.
As a micromanager, you are an important member of society. You need to give yourself constant affirmations of this importance.
When you get up in the morning, you need to look at yourself in the mirror — make sure itis a full-length mirror, youire affirming your whole self, not just a part of you. Look yourself straight in the eye — if you donit, it may be difficult to believe or even respect yourself — and say the following:
"I am always right. Everyone else is always wrong."
"I must keep tabs on everyone I know. Constant surveillance is the only way to know exactly what theyire doing wrong."
"Thereis always something wrong with what theyire doing. The fate of the world rests upon my ability to find it."
For all non-micromanagers reading this, feel free to e-mail me stories about a micromanager in your life and what that person means to you.
And when you write that e-mail, make sure you use a white background with black lettering and a 12-point font — makes it easier to read. You also need to drag your mouse over to the button that says "send" and click it when youire done. If you have two or more buttons on your mouse, you can do this by pressing down on the left-most button with your index finger. If youire using a one-button mouse, you just need to press down on the end of the mouse closest to the cord.
And remember; if youive got time to lean, youive got time to clean.
On another note, from this column on, Iim going to keep a countdown to the last week of school for those of us who are ready to get out of UH. Weive got four weeks left to go. Yippee.
Buchanan, a senior journalism major,
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