Hi 67 / Lo 42
|Volume 68, Issue 59,
Friday, November 15, 2002
Arts & Entertainment
'Half Past Dead' one of yearis worst films
By Andrew Beard
Screen Gems and Franchise Pictures should be downright ashamed of themselves for releasing this steaming pile of donkey crap into theaters.
Half Past Dead has officially knocked off Fear Dot Com in a landslide as the worst movie of the year. The plot has more holes than a spaghetti strainer and the acting resembles a play at a high school summer drama camp. Nothing worked in this movie. This includes the soundtrack, the humor and even the one hot chick.
Along with the weak plot, Half Past Dead reeks of lame one-liners by Ja Rule (pictured) and Steven Seagal.
Photo courtesy of Screen Gems
The story, or in better terms, the itinerary, follows Ja Rule as Nick, an organized crime assistant specializing in fast cars and guns. His partner Sascha, played by the multi-talented and very fat Steven Seagal, accidentally (or is it on purpose, or who the hell cares?) leads him to a FBI sting.
A gigantic shoot-a-thon ensues with dozens of trained FBI agents spraying bullets everywhere like drunken sailors. Sascha takes one in the chest, but survives after literally dying for over twenty minutes.
For their crimes, the two cohorts receive lengthy prison sentences in a "new" Alcatraz. The ultra-hip bilingual warden, who saunters around the prison in his leather jacket discussing his numerous stab wounds, closely watches their actions.
The bizarre charade continues with the appearance of Morris Chestnut, an actor most known for his work as a romantic leading man. Apparently bent on shedding that image, he plays Donny, a rogue FBI agent attempting to find $200 million worth of gold hidden somewhere in the world.
The only person with working knowledge of the treasure trove is next in line to be executed in Alcatrazis state-of-the-art death chamber. Can someone really die for stealing gold? President Bush should take notes.
Donny and his team of bad guys infiltrate the compound via helicopter. Seagalis Sascha hides in a corner and opens random cans of whoop-ass while Ja Ruleis Nick stands behind him and yells, "Yeah, boy."
Meanwhile, a Supreme Court Justice is taken hostage within the prison giving Sascha more opportunities to kick people through windows. Chestnutis Donny continues to shed his lover boy image as he shoots a female priest and sexually assaults a 54-year-old woman.
The explosion fest finally dips into the third act with another round of yelling and shooting, but the story canit end without one more confusing twist, which isnit worth even mentioning.
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