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Volume 68, Issue 59, Friday, November 15, 2002


The perfect woman digs bagels

Mason H. Lerner
Opinion Columnist

It is 4 a.m. the night before my column is due. I have been thinking about my topic since Sunday.

I have tossed ideas around in my head throughout the week, going so far as to visualize the actual placement of specific thoughts and words within the piece.

I had planned all week to write about my idea of the perfect woman, but for some reason when I sat down tonight to put it all together, the words just wouldn't come out.

The whole idea of a column about what makes the perfect woman sounded so good when I thought of it, but it just wasn't translating to paper.

My deadline loomed over me like an anvil over Wile E. Coyote, and for the first time I was at a loss for words.

I did what any self-respecting columnist with unconquerable writer's block does. I made my way to the kitchen for a late-night snack.

By this point I was seriously questioning whether or not I was going to be able to write "the perfect woman" column. That is when it happened. I spied, sitting on the kitchen counter, a freezer bag containing a food that had always been readily available in my household.

I might not be able to write about the perfect woman, but I'll be damned if I don't know all about the perfect bagel.

Bagels have always been a staple in my family. We always have a basketful on the counter and a few bags full in our freezer. 

It is hard for me to imagine living without a constant supply of bagels. This is not the case with women. I guess that's why I feel more qualified to recommend the perfect bagel.

Unlike revenge, a bagel is best served warm. It should not bought at a grocery store, and it shouldn't come in a package. It has to be made fresh. The perfect bagel leaves the oven and within minutes is twisting its way through your digestive tract, leaving you all warm inside.

The perfect bagel is made with a touch of New York flair and is best when accompanied by good conversation, or even better, juicy gossip.

As you can see, for a guy who jokes around a lot, I am pretty serious about my bagels. Considering I am actually taking the time to write about them, I guess you could even say who I am inspired by bagels. 

So inspired that I think who I am making headway on that perfect woman thing.

The perfect woman realizes the power of the bagel. She must realize that with me she may not have money, beauty or fame, but she will always have a fridge full of bagels. And that has to be enough.

It also wouldn't hurt if, when we get old, she'd stand in line at Luby's restaurant while I'm park the boat-sized Cadillac. 

Hey, I might love bagels, but that doesn't mean I'm missing the early bird specials.

Lerner, a senior communication major, 
can be reached at


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