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Volume 69, Issue 47, Wednesday, October 29, 2003


Shaq shows only one man powers L.A. -- the 'Diesel'

Cougar Pause

Ernest Salas

In the words of Aristotle, he who is bigger, stronger, taller and can dunk the ball standing up, is the one who shall lead the Lakers. It's in a book somewhere. Look it up.

I'm not going to name names, but certain players need to realize we got our three rings for three reasons. One, because of me. And two, because of Coach Phil. Kobe, you were just an over-hyped high school player pretending to date Brandy when I was knocking over guys like Hakeem and Patrick. Remember Penny Hardaway? Guess we all know who put the Magic in Orlando.

How good would you be without me in the middle, taking all the attention away while you play one-on-one with Tony Parker? Those 40-point games were special to watch. So special that nobody else learned how to play. So special that we still couldn't do better than No. 6 in the West. So special that you had to put 80 shots to get there. Oh, but you're just like Mike, right?

Everybody wants to play center like Shaq. Everybody wants to be as unstoppable as Shaq. Everybody wants to be as strong as me. Who wants to be like Kobe? Who wants to be stupid enough to marry a beautiful woman and then throw it away for a little behind-the-back turnaround?

You put up this image of yourself as an upstanding individual. You're the family man. You're the face of the organization. You're the new "Showtime." Me, I'm just the most indomitable force on the planet. And I'm popular.

Everyone's heard of Caramelo. It's America's favorite caramel-filled chocolate treat. What the hell is Nutella? Is it chocolate? Is it hazelnut? Jelly? Do I spread it somewhere or just eat it out of the jar? Why is the supermarket only stocked with one jar at any given time? Is it the same damn jar? Maybe if they took your face off it, someone would buy it.

Or maybe nobody buys it because it's from Italy. Just like you.

Everything about me is big, including my toe. It takes a long time to heal because Shaq is a high-powered diesel engine. Shaq don't rush the healing process. I'd rather come back when I'm healthy enough to contribute up to my standards. Rushing just means I'm hurting the team when I'm out there. You know all about that, don't you, Kobe?

Who cares about your "difficult time?" You bought your way back into your marriage with that diamond. You'll just buy your way out of prison time. Who really thinks you're going to spend time in jail?

See, I'm real. Ain't nothing changed about me. I'm still the same Shaq I was in Baton Rouge. Nothing's changed about you either, but then again, there wasn't anything there to change in the first place. No personality, no credibility, no marketability, no real knowledge of what it takes to be a team player…

What was your dad's name? Jellybean? That fits since you ain't nothing but jelly on the inside. I meant you were soft, since your two stupid to understand anything.

In short, I couldn't care less if you opt out of your contract. In fact, I'll throw in a few thousand bucks to help you move your cases of unsold Sprite. You'll need the extra space to move your ego to the Clippers, Hawks or whatever sorry excuse for a team you'll end up with.

LeBron's the next Mike. You ain't even the next Jason Williams.
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