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Volume 70, Issue 23, Thursday, September 23, 2004


Creator of heaven, Earth hates Miami

The Trashman

Richard Whitrock

After hundreds upon thousands of hours of painstaking research, backbreaking labor, carpal tunnel-inducing data entry and mind boggling number analysis, a bipartisan and completely unbiased scientific reality has been reached by the cutting edge, highly advanced think tank more commonly known as the Trashman. While the actual conclusion is far too complex for this paper, in layman's terms the conclusion can be simplified into this sentence:

God hates Florida.

As if the fact that the Florida peninsula may indeed be the world's largest phallic symbol (and can even be seen from space as such) wasn't a big enough hint, God decided he'd make it a little bit more clear to everyone this year. He threw subtlety out the window at about the same time as the Florida Keys were evacuated -- for the second time.

As a first course to get everyone's attention, he decided to lob a softball at the Sunshine State with Tropical Storm Bonnie -- but then, being God and having a sense of humor, he decided to make it a curve ball at the last instant with a tiny, insignificant little twist, also known as Hurricane Charley.

Lest they think that he had picked on Florida enough, he decided to hit Florida with Hurricane Frances before the ground had even dried from Charley and Bonnie. As an encore, he created a meteorological miracle with Hurricane Ivan and used it to tease, torment, and torture Florida until it seemed that Ivan might pass them by (prompting celebratory marches from most of the state). Then, with a Category three juvenile-style "psych!" he put Ivan ashore in (where else?) none other than Pensacola, Fla.

I guess he really did mean to rain on Florida's parade.

Now, with three named storms in the Atlantic (including a resurrected Tropical Storm Ivan) plus another tropical low that's screwing all the predictions up, it doesn't appear that God is off his game or has any intention of letting up. He even made Hurricane Jeanne dance around the Atlantic and make a loop-the-loop to get some extra laughs out of the situation. Curiously, no one in Florida seems to share that sense of humor.

But God's abuse of Florida isn't limited to hurricanes. No other state had an I.Q. low enough to confuse voting for Pat Buchanan with voting for Al Gore.

Maybe it isn't Florida that God hates so much as it is Yankees. Half the Florida population is from Yankee-land, and He probably don't take too kind to their secular invasion of his beloved "Southern Bible Belt."

But the grandest of God's jokes/punishments on Florida is coming into Reliant Stadium today to play UH. He's led the Miami Hurricanes (literally dripping with irony, isn't it?) on like a cheap escort with morals by letting them think they have a good football team. He's let them strut around for years with a cocky, "we're the best" attitude that's about to get face-crushed courtesy of Art Briles, et al.

It shouldn't be that hard -- considering the amount of drugs that come through Miami, half the team may be too high to find the field. Maybe UH should take a lesson from BASEketball and swap the traditional bright red Cougar jersey for a DEA windbreaker -- that would scare 'em right back to the Land of Hurricane Fodder before kickoff.

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