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Volume 70, Issue 43, Thursday, October 21, 2004

Sports

Texas Christian Frogs gluttons for punishment

The Trashman

Richard Whitrock

As various drug-addled hippies and Californians have demonstrated, nothing takes a lickin' like a frog. 

The Texas Christian Horned Frogs are used to getting licked; they've been manhandled all season long. Then again, that's to be expected. Their whining last season about never getting rated higher in The Associated Press poll despite their unbeaten record just revealed their Napoleon complex. What else can we expect from a team named after Yosemite Sam's "Great horney toads!" catch phrase? Despite the fact that TCU spent much of last season in the AP top 25, they turned out to be grossly overrated. Just like Yosemite Sam, they were all talk and no action, all hype and no substance. As Shrek would say, "Do you think he's maybe compensating for something?"

Their performance this season has been abysmal, and their fans know it. Maybe that's why their opponents are averaging 10,000 more in attendance per game than TCU.

TCU's season statistics lines read like a nightmare ... their opponents have outscored them, have more first downs and have more total offense. In passing yardage alone, TCU is outdone by its opponents to the tune of 1,680 to 2,023. Where TCU averages 8.2 yards per pass, the guys on the other side of the line of scrimmage are averaging 15.8 yards per catch.

For those wondering what that sound is, it's ESPN laughing at their pathetic attempts to call the TCU secondary "defense." Kevin Kolb must be positively drooling at this weekend's prospects.

The horned frogs have been thoroughly outperformed that it even extends to their punt return average (TCU averages 8.6 yards per return, and opponents are almost double that at 15.8). Even the refs get in on the frog licking ... TCU gets hit with flags for 77.5 yards a game while opponents only get the yellow hand-slap for 58.8 yards per game. These numbers, however, are sadly not the worst in the TCU Stat Book of Shame.

So far this year, TCU has missed three (count them, three) PATs. No, that isn't a typo. There are middle schools that don't miss that many PATs all year long, and the season is only half over.

It's a wonder that the teams playing against TCU aren't all arrested for either animal cruelty or drug abuse with the beatings and lickin's they've perpetrated against the Horned Frogs.

With numbers like these, perhaps frog licking isn't quite the right metaphor for the possibly-aptly-named Horned Frogs. The real one might involve a really lonely shepherd and renaming the team to the TCU Shorn Sheep.

dcshobiz@mail.uh.edu
 

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