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Volume 70, Issue 46, Tuesday, October 26, 2004

Life & Arts

Durst, Lars up next on rock 'n' roll death list

Stay Sick

Jason Gagnon

Given the popularity of last week's column, I figured I should press on with the death list involving some of the most heinous musical offenders who seemingly exist only to poison and taint our collective unconsciousness. 

If you don't already agree with me that the bulbous, misogynistic waste of flesh known as Fred Durst should be put down like Old Yeller, please give up your interest in music right now. Aside from causing riots, rapes and ruining a great Who song, it has been recently revealed that Fat Freddy is prone to physically threatening lady VJ's who get on his bad side. 

And how can we forget the plethora of audio bile that he has given exposure to in his role as a record label executive? Whoever prepares this cancerous scum-sucking piece of amphibian dung's meals needs to start serving them with some broken glass in the mix. 

If anyone's father was sure to have conceived with a homunculus seed it was the little brat named Lars Ulrich. 

This parasite has sued fans, gouged them repeatedly for merchandise and concerts, and possesses a massive ego that could destroy Tokyo Godzilla-style. Metallica has sucked for quite a few years but the reason more and more fans keep turning their backs on the band is because of this loudmouthed nimrod. If you saw the hilarious train wreck that was Some Kind of Monster, then you must understand what a callous little marmot Lars can be. His therapist had to seek psychiatric treatment after dealing with him. I have got a great idea: let's toss this guy into a minefield and be forever rid of this Napoleonic metal menace. 

There are few things in this world worse than hippies. One of them is the bands who inspire these social blights to remain unemployed and follow them around the country like they're the second coming. Fortunately, we were spared another decade of the Grateful Dead because Jerry kicked the bucket, but then Phish had to come around to carry the torch. Uggh. So what if they're finished now (praise Elvis)? To make matters worse, Phish is one of the countless bands urging the misinformed numbskull youth of this nation to vote without guiding them in any specific direction. 

We all know they want to get rid of President George W. Bush so why don't they just say it? Oh wait, it will hurt album sales and they actually believe their dopey fans are capable of thinking for themselves.Give them all some Jonestown Kool-Aid and tell them it's got some LSD. It should do the trick. 
 

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