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Volume 70, Issue 99, Thursday, February 24, 2005

Life & Arts

AFI should throw in make up towel

Stay Sick

Jason Gagnon

In what has been a pretty gloomy week that started off with the suicide of literary and pop-culture icon Hunter S. Thompson, one piece of good news has surfaced: inept and inane pop-punk band Blink 182 has gone on indefinite hiatus. 

Now, I would prefer it if: A) I could go back in time and stop those three tools from ever forming a band; B) That they would also put their horrendous side projects on hiatus and C) The band breaks up forever and the members give up on life. 

Allow me to suggest some other musical cancers I would like to see disappear off the face of the planet.

AFI

More than two years ago I trashed AFI's last album, and I still get hate mail from their legions of pathetic fans. I like the mail and soon will be expecting to get even more for what I'm about to write. 

God, this band is just so terrible that it's difficult for me not to explode in a string of graphic expletives that might cause some of the older members of the UH community to have a heart attack from the shock of reading them. AFI was never a good band, and its current wave of whiney emo-goth-poodle-core is almost too much for me bear. 

If there is anyone out there in the cosmetic industry that is sympathetic to my pleas, will you please mail the band some lethally poisoned make up and hair dye so their lame fans can build memorial shrines in front of Hot Topics that I can then urinate on. 

Metallica

If you have to go to therapy and spend more than two years creating an album as unarguably wretched as St. Anger then it's probably time to pack it in. While you're at it, will you please stop Lars Ulrich from ever speaking again? 

Metallica has been going downhill for more than a decade and there is just no need for the band to be around if they're going to subject the world to a tour with Limp Bizkit. 

The Darkness

I can't stand this ironic, tongue-in-cheek hair metal crap that The Darkness calls music. It's not funny or clever or refreshing but incredibly annoying and unnecessary, and if the band were in Los Angeles in the 1980s it wouldn't have even been good enough to be featured in the Decline of Western Civilization II: The Metal Years. 

The fact that a group of ugly, pretentious and idiotic guys thought that making a real life version of Spinal Tap was a good thing and that some deranged people enjoy listening to it just goes to show that 90 percent of the world's population has an IQ lower than their shoe sizes. 
 

Send comments to dcshobiz@mail.uh.edu

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