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Volume 72, Issue 47, Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Life & Arts

No man has better kung fu

Man Issues

Chris Elliott

Today's Man Issues will start off a little different. Sept. 25 will go down in history as the day that the most grandiose and prestigious monument to all things ultra-manly was built. It will be called the Ultra Manly Extreme Super Large Cup of Steel Hall of Fame.

The men inducted into the Ultra Manly Extreme Super Large Cup of Steel Hall of Fame are icons of all things ultra-manly and ultra-deadly. These guys have never broken any of the 14 Commandments of Man Decree and if they have, no one has lived to tell about it.

The only word to describe the first inductee to the Ultra Manly Extreme Super Large Cup of Steel Hall of Fame is prototype. This is a man that could only lose a fight if it was scripted in a movie, and even then, he would dismantle about 40 guys before he went down to his knees. Bruce Lee was the first and last of his kind, and rightfully so, he will be the Ultra Manly Extreme Super Large Cup of Steel Hall of Fame's first inductee.

Superman may own a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas, but there would be no such thing as Norris, his 100 facts, or Walker, Texas Ranger were it not for his martial arts teacher--Bruce Lee. 

Brandon Lee, Bruce Lee's son, never lost at the game "My dad can beat up your dad," because it was a known fact that Brandon Lee had the most awesome dad on the planet. 

You would never catch Bruce Lee carrying an umbrella, driving a Volkswagen Beetle or wearing pink. Quite the opposite, he would find cool ways took kick all of their butts on camera, while getting paid.

Lee would first deliver a one-inch punch to the hood of the VW Bug, forcing it to crumple into the shape of a 1972 Chevrolet Camaro.

He would then flex until the umbrella burst into flames. Not one to forget, Lee would deal a devastating dragon kick to the chest of every guy to ever willingly wear a pink shirt. Men across the globe would get rid of anything to resemble the pink, just to make sure they would not fall victim to one of Lee's devastating attacks. 

Lee deserves to be the Ultra Manly Extreme Super Large Cup of Steel Hall of Fame's first-ever inductee, no questions asked.

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