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Volume 72, Issue 62, Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Life & Arts

Dredd: Man shall not don high heels

Man Issues

Chris Elliott 

Judge Dredd thought it would be a given -- an unwritten rule that steak-eating, football-watching men followed out of respect for all things ultra manly. 

But when it comes to man law, assumptions can lead to disaster. Blake Whitaker, communication senior and Daily Cougar copy chief, found that out the hard way Tuesday afternoon. 

The red stiletto heels had been sitting near the loveseat in the newsroom approximately 30 minutes before Whitaker shamelessly made his move. Assistant Sports editor Celena Flores said she personally witnessed Whitaker break one of the unwritten Commandments of Man Decree -- out of curiosity.

"He slipped one on first," Flores said. "He became a little more curious and put the other one on and just started waddling. He didnít walk. He didnít strut his stuff. He waddled."

Robyn Morrow, the owner of the stiletto heels, said she heard Whitaker admit to his own lack of manliness as he attempted to balance himself on the heels.

"He said, ĎI have boy feet,'" Morrow said.

Flores, impressed with the way Whitaker presented himself in the high heels had nothing but compliments for the former Man Decree abiding student.

"Iíve never seen a man look so good in red stiletto heels," Flores said.

Before taking part in this womanly activity, Whitaker was considered one of the pioneers of the Commandments of Man Decree. On countless occasions, he would walk around campus soaking wet because of he refused to use an umbrella (one of the first commandments ever written). Whitaker watched as much football as possible. Whether it was college or the NFL, he didnít care. He has been seen regularly in the stands at Robertson Stadium. 

Whitaker described himself as a Lonestar-drinking, baseball-loving, new Volkswagon Bug-hating man, but Judge Dredd has some objections.

For his actions Tuesday, Whitaker will have to serve three months of manhood probation. For his probation, Whitaker will be forced to burn 10 umbrellas a day, eat three steak and baked potato dinners per week and spend six hours a day watching Enter the Dragon.

After the Whitaker case, Judge Dredd said he felt obligated to create a new man decree prohibiting all men from willingly wearing red stiletto heels.

"From here on out, any man caught wearing stilettos will immediately be stripped of manhood," Judge Dredd said. "There will be harsher consequences also. This was Blakeís first offense, and even though it set precedence, Judge Dredd decided to be lenient.

"Blake was a good man, but now heís just some stiletto-loving sissy -- at least for the next three months. It was hard to strip Blake of his manliness, but it had to be done. Come on, red stilettos?"

When confronted about the incident, Whitaker only had one thing to say, Judge Dredd said, which didnít help his case. 

"I was curious," Whitaker said.

Send comments to dcshobiz@mail.uh.edu

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